Mocking the Mocking of the Tank Mock 2015

The renowned football experts from recently completed a mock draft for this years NFL draft:…

Every year, staff writer Mark Chamberlin does a recap of every pick with his thoughts. He is generally mean and snarky. This year, I decided to mock his mocking of a mock.


Round 1, Pick 1 - Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Jameis Winston, QB, FSU.

Oar: It’s the wrong pick, but it’s probably what will happen. If it’s QB or bust then pick the guy with the questionable tape, but iron clad background check over the guy with both questionable tape and red flag decorated background check.


Griff: Winston is the better quarterback. Period.

Answer these questions comparing Winston to Mariota:

Bigger? Winston

Stronger? Winston

More rapey? Winston

Case Closed.

Round 1, Pick 2 – Tennessee Titans – Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon.

Oar: HOLY CRAP! THE TITANS DID THE RIGHT THING! In reality I don’t think the Titans will be the one picking him. I’ll in turn be giggling, a lot.


Griff: With the timidity of a flaccid penis, Mariota is doomed.

Round 1, Pick 3 – Jacksonville Jaguars – Leonard Williams, DL, USC.

Oar: If Mariota goes number two then Williams will likely be the third pick, but I think there is a reasonable possibility the Jaguars aren’t the ones making the pick. Williams is arguably the best available at this spot, but one of the pass rushers in the next few picks make more sense given their current team makeup. Will they be able to execute such a trade? That’s another story.


Griff: I heard a guy on the radio say that Williams is more a late 1st round talent, so I'll disagree with you and agree with the guy on the radio whose name I can't remember.

Round 1, Pick 4 – Oakland Raiders – Dante Fowler, Edge, Florida.

Oar: On one hand, the talent deprived Raiders really can’t go wrong with this pick. On the other hand, their General Manager Reggie McKenzie is under fire to win games right now and with their current offense that’s probably not going to happen. I like this pick, but I would be surprised if it’s what the Raiders do draft day.


Griff: I'm not gonna lie, I honestly have no idea who Dante Fowler is. I'm assuming he is some type of edge receiver if the Raiders are drafting him.

Round 1, Pick 5 – Washington Redskins – Vic Beasley, Edge, Clemson.

Oar: It’s going to take some getting used to following a Redskins team with competent management.


Griff: I'm assuming Vic Beasley comes from a long line of people that have profiteered off the backs of Native Americans.

Round 1, Pick 6 – New York Jets – Shane Ray, Edge, Missouri.

Oar: This pick has new Head Coach Todd Bowles bowel movement written all over it.


Round 1, Pick 7 – Chicago Bears – Amari Cooper, WR, Alabama.

Oar: A good friend of mine is a die-hard Chicago Bears fan, born and raised. I asked him recently what he thought the Bears should do in the draft. He said something along the lines of, ‘if we stay at 7 and take anyone other than Danny Shelton I’ll spit nails.’ Commence, spitting.


Griff: Is this your friend?

Illustration for article titled Mocking the Mocking of the Tank Mock 2015

And Cooper is the correct pick for the Bears so my main man Smokin' Jay can once again light up the score boards! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Illustration for article titled Mocking the Mocking of the Tank Mock 2015

Round 1, Pick 8 – Atlanta Falcons – Randy Gregory, Edge, Nebraska.

Oar: Hate this pick, but if this happens then Dan Quinn really does have all the power in Atlanta. Thomas Dimitroff and Scott Pioli will have been reduced to figure heads and puppets, which can’t be a bad thing if you’re a Falcons fan.


Griff: The logic circle of your explanation has me in a staring contest with a cat.

Round 1, Pick 9 – New York Giants – Brandon Scherff, OL, Iowa.

Oar: Over the years I have learned not to argue about top offensive lineman from Midwestern states. Typecast? Sure, but like round 1 offensive linemen, it’s safe.


Griff: I can smell your hatred of fat Mid-Westerners from five states away.

Round 1, Pick 10 – St. Louis Rams – La’El Collins, OL, LSU.

Oar: I want to dislike this pick more because I’m tired of seeing the Jeff Fisher coached Rams skate by somewhere between average and mediocrity, but it makes sense and the value is right.


Griff: Session beer is for wankers. So is this pick.

Round 1, Pick 11 – Minnesota Vikings – Trae Waynes, CB, Michigan State.

Oar: The interwebz are hot for a wide receiver here, specifically Teddy Bridgewater’s former teammate DeVante Parker, but this pick has Coach Mike Zimmer’s stamp on it.


Griff: Damn straight. This is the best pick in this whole stupid mock draft.

Round 1, Pick 12 – Cleveland Browns – Kevin White, WR, West Virginia.

Oar: As a Browns fan I’d rather have Parker, but I won’t pick this battle. Winning games and scoring points though? That would be nice.


Griff: Unless he can throw the ball to himself, he'll end up at Mike's Broadview chugging Rolling Rock and watching Cleveland State women's basketball games with Gordon and Manziel.

Round 1, Pick 13 – New Orleans Saints – Bud Dupree, Edge, Kentucky.

Oar: He should have been Atlanta’s pick at number eight, so not only did the Saints get better, but it’s at the direct expense of a division rival. Well done.


Griff: I actually agree with everything you just said.

Round 1, Pick 14 – Miami Dolphins - DeVante Parker, WR, Louisville.

Oar: So, that Dolphins offense could be scary-good as long as Offensive Coordinator Bill Lazor continues to keep Head Coach Joe Philbin far, far away from it. I’d have picked Danny Shelton though.


Griff: Fuck this. Two picks in a row that I agree with you. Penis.

Round 1, Pick 15 – San Francisco 49ers - Jalen Collins, CB, LSU.

Oar: It’s not going to matter as this team is completely caving in, but the need and value match here. I still would have gone with Shelton though.


Griff: After the off-season the Niners just had, they should be relegated to the CFL and we get the Argonauts.

Round 1, Pick 16 – Houston Texans – Danny Shelton, DT, Washington.

Oar: Hey hey, there he is! Exceptional talent, clearly the best player on the board, but arguably the one position the Texans do not need filled. Yes, I know, I’m talking out of both sides of my mouth. It’s fun, you should try it sometime. Anyway, Vince Wilfork is not the long term answer, but the idea is to develop Louis Nix III so he is.


Griff: I'll let Ruxin do the speaking on this one:

Ruxin: Is there a How to Hide Your Glaring Lack of Knowledge From Your Friends for Dummies book, cause that's one you should've bought.


Round 1, Pick 17 – San Diego Chargers - TJ Clemings, OL, Pitt.

Oar: The Chargers need to give Rivers as much incentive as possible to re-sign after the season, so him getting hit less is probably a good start.


Griff: Disagree. Phil needs to get hit a lot more so he stops overpopulating the Earth with his demon spawn.

Illustration for article titled Mocking the Mocking of the Tank Mock 2015

Round 1, Pick 18 – Kansas City Chiefs - Jaelen Strong, WR, Arizona State.

Oar: This is not a lineman, so immediately it makes no sense as an Andy Reid pick. That said, he makes more sense than a lineman would given the Chiefs need and his skill set. He does his best work in the intermediate passing game and red zone and…well…Alex Smith…


Griff: You misspelled Alice.

Round 1, Pick 19 – Cleveland Browns – Andrus Peat, OL, Stanford.

Oar: As much as it pains me to write, I don’t think the Browns are drafting a wide receiver round 1, but if they do then they are drafting a defensive lineman with their other one. Andrus Peat is a lineman, but on the wrong side of the ball.


Griff: Doesn't matter, still stuck here:

Round 1, Pick 20 – Philadelphia Eagles – Landon Collins, SS, Alabama.

Oar: One side of me says, yes, the Eagles should draft aaall the defensive backs. The other says beware of Alabama players peaking in college. I’m going to split the difference then run and hide.


Griff: way to come to a conclusion you duplicitous suckle ninnie.

Round 1, Pick 21 – Cincinnati Bengals – Ereck Flowers, OL, Miami (FL).

Oar: Mike Brown’s scouting department, #drafttwitter, approves.

Griff: I don't think a guy with a last name of Flowers is gonna survive the Miami locker room.


Edit: Ooops, I fucked up.

Round 1, Pick 22 – Pittsburgh Steelers – Kevin Johnson, CB, Wake Forest.

Oar: Well, shoot. We’re barely to pick 20 and we are already to the point in the draft with players I don’t know anything about. Given the Steelers recent draft history I’m just going to assume he’s terrible and move on.


Griff: I assume this was a case of a guy seeing the name Kevin Johnson, and then he thought about Kevin Johnson of the Phoenix Suns (who is also the mayor of a cow town in California) and then he started thinking about how great of a movie Space Jam is. And then the clock almost ran out so he yelled Kevin Johnson!

Round 1, Pick 23 – Detroit Lions – Malcolm Brown, DT, Texas.

Oar: Great pick! Oh…wait a minute. This isn’t pick 19 to the Browns? Well then, *expletive deleted* this *expletive deleted*.


Griff: This is a safe place, you can cuss here, fucker.

Round 1, Pick 24 – Arizona Cardinals – Eddie Goldman, DT, Florida State.

Oar: Not impressed, a man of his build is more than just a JAG (just a guy), but his movement skills? Blegh.


Griff: You have no idea who this is, do you?

Round 1, Pick 25 – Carolina Panthers – Arik Armstead, DL, Oregon.

Oar: Freak, if you don’t know much about him do yourself a favor and read up.

Griff: On the gridiron and in the sheets, amirite?

Round 1, Pick 26 – Baltimore Ravens – Todd Gurley, RB, Georgia.

Oar: Curse word curse word, Ravens. Curse word curse word, Ozzie. Curse word curse word, great pick. Curse word.


Griff: I watched a movie about a group of friends living in an apartment complex that was attached to their office. They had a bet on who could go the longest without ever stepping outside. I feel like one of them right now because of how long I've been staring at this stupid monitor trying to say something smarmy and nothing is coming out.

Great landing spot for Gurley.

Round 1, Pick 27 – Dallas Cowboys – Melvin Gordon, RB, Wisconsin.

Oar: Jerry Jones is not in charge anymore. Otherwise, he’d have paid for DeMarco Murray to return instead of doing the fiscally responsible thing and letting him walk then drafting a younger, better, and cheaper replacement.


Griff: Great landing spot for Melivin.

Round 1, Pick 28 – Denver Broncos – DJ Humphries, OL, Florida.

Oar: A round 1 offensive pick on a Peyton Manning team? Sounds about right.

Griff: Not sure what that means, but I just ate a sandwich that involved the killing of at least four different types of animals, so I'm a bit meat sweaty.


Round 1, Pick 29 – Indianapolis Colts – Jordan Phillips, DT, Oklahoma.

Oar: The Colts have so many holes throughout the roster they really just need to draft the best available player for the next few drafts. I think they did here.


Griff: This mocking the mocking of the mock is more difficult than I'd imagined. I've just been staring at this guys name for ten minutes and imagining him singing backup vocals for Wilson Phillips.

Round 1, Pick 30 – Green Bay Packers – Eric Kendricks, LB, UCLA.

Oar: The Packers depth chart at inside linebacker is dangerously thin. I think they’re ok going into the season with it as an issue, but if an obvious value falls draft day they won’t hesitate to fix it; as demonstrated here.


Griff: Wendy, Chynna, Carnie. That is the order of the members of Wilson-Phillips that I give a shit about.

Round 1, Pick 31 – Seattle Seahawks – Marcus Peters, CB, Washington.

Oar: This really makes sense on too many levels, doesn’t it? A major character issue, immensely talented local product going to Pete Carrol’s kumbaya circle.


Griff: if you click the red squiggly line under kumbaya, the only suggestion is jambalaya. True story. You know where jambalaya is popular? In New Orleans. Where Marcus Peters can eat all the jambalaya he wants because the Saints own this pick.

Round 1, Pick 32 – New England Patriots – Byron Jones, CB, Connecticut.

Oar: An early round defensive back to the Patriots? What could possibly go wrong!


Griff: Well, he could be really good for a couple of years and then murder all the members of his squad for reasons I can only assume to be Mario Kart related.

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