NFL Top Gun

Top Gun is one of best films of the 1980's. What better way celebrate it than by re-casting it with current NFL quarterbacks:

Slider - Philip Rivers

What better quarterback is out there to play the meat-head smart-ass? Phil Rivers has lost his goddamned mind and it is amazing to watch. In the film, they do not dwell on Slider's family life at all, but I think it is fair to extrapolate background on the basis of Slider's opposable penis and willing vessel at home that he and Rivers share an ungodly amount of offspring.

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Cougar - Carson Palmer

Riding high as a top rated passer without the pressure of success. Once confronted with an actual enemy combatant Palmer lost it and turned in his wings. Retiring to the warm, dry environment of Anonymity Arizona.

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Merlin - Tony Romo

Played by Tim Robbins as the ultimate backseat disappointment. Much like Romo, his screams from the back seat are seldom those of joy nor passion.

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Jester - Tom Brady

He has the tools to compete with the best, but will still be outgunned by upcoming hot shots.

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Viper - Peyton Manning

The best of the best.

Goose - Eli Manning

Stuck in the shadow of an overachiever since the day he was born. Doomed to be forgotten. Most likely QB to have been left in the back seat accidentally by his parents on multiple occasions.

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Charlie - Russel Wilson

This may seem like a surprise because Wilson is not a woman, nor is he blonde. But he is slaving away on a yeoman's salary and likely to break Seattle's heart when he takes a job in Washington D.C. for a ridiculous amount of money.

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Iceman - Aaron Rodgers

As cool as ice. He is who you want running your two minute drill. He will grind you down and wait for you to make a mistake. And then he capitalizes on it.

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Maverick - Jay Cutler

Who else can play the wildcard cad that we love to watch but don't want as the quarterback of our own team? Cutler will sex your woman and then crash his motorcycle on the way home. He is the epitome of 80's action movie anti-heroism.

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There should be an 80's action movie called simply CUTLER. In the vein of Action Jackson, Cobra, or Lone Wolf McQuade.

Illustration for article titled NFL Top Gun

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