No Holds Barred

No Holds Barred - 1989

Synopsis: Hulk plays a character named Rip who is the champion of the WWF and a rival television network executive wants Rip on his network (this executive is the executive from Wayne's World that isn't Rob Lowe).

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Rip refuses his offer and Not Rob Lowe forms a rival fighting competition that takes the world by storm!

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I watched this movie at age 10 and promptly forgot about it's existence. It popped up in my Netflix queue recently and I decided to watch it again for it's 25th anniversary. This movie is as bad and as awesome as you could possibly imagine.

Hogan's character has his own soundtrack that plays whenever he does something of note. It sounds like an instrumental version of Yes's "Owner of a Lonely Heart". The rest of the musical score was boosted from Murder She Wrote and motivational videos made for parents who think they can pray the gayness out of their children.

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Plus Hulk wears things like this:

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All day, every day. Spandex. He wears it to meetings at the WWF with board members, riding his motorcycle, making social calls and helping his newly crippled brother go through intense rehab sessions.

The hotel scene with Sam (Rip's poor love interest) is only the second most disturbing scene in this damn movie. Sam being woken up by Hulk's masturbating pushup routine will haunt me until the end of time. Who does pushups before going to bed? WTF RIP, NO ONE DOES THIS EVER.

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People decided to fuck each other after seeing sleepwear like this? Fuck you, 1989.

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In an effort to force Rip to fight Zeus, Not Rob Lowe instructs two of his henchman to rape Sam in a parking garage in broad daylight! What the shit is this doing in a PG-13 movie? Not to mention Not Rob Lowe had already given Sam a black eye.

Hulk saves the day with his motorcycle because of course he does, Hulk and his spandex will save everything.

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By the time the actual fight comes, you need to be drunk. One eye open to focus drunk. Too drunk to fish, drunk.

These two hulking beasts can not actually fight. They throw wild punches and stomp around like drunk Russian bears. At two different points both fighters had the opportunity to throw proper headbutts. The both failed miserably. Didn't Brian Dennehy in Gladiator teach you guys anything? The top of the head is the strongest bone in the body because I rely on Brian Dennehy to teach me science shit. (I realize Gladiator came out 3 years later, eat me)

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If there were a fight between Ronda Rousey and either of these water heaters on legs, my money is on Ronda. She could probably win a fight with both of them at the same time. But left in the capable hands of director Thomas J. Wright, he would have them stop in the middle of the fight to stage a bukkake mid-boute with the midget in the cage hanging from the ceiling BECAUSE THEY NEEDED TO HAVE A MIDGET IN A CAGE HANGING FROM A CEILING BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T HIRE DALTON TO CLEAN UP YOUR BAR!

Good triumphs in the end when Not Rob Lowe gives himself an electricity enema. Poor Zeus only gets to say 17 actual words so it's hard to root against him. And we all lose because Hulk Hogan's mustache is the 2nd best actor in the movie behind David Paymer.

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If you want to remember how everything great about your childhood was actual crap and always starred either Hulk Hogan or Jean Claude Van Damme then you should watch this movie.

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